Eight Tips to Help Make Married Sex Hot Again
It is commonly thought that once you get married, it will only be a matter of time before your sex life becomes
repetitive, dull, or even non-existent. Although this sort of problem plagues many marriages, it does not have
If you are part of a married couple, consider the following eight points of advice and try to incorporate them
into your relationship. In no time at all, you will find that your sex life is becoming hot, exciting and fun once
1) Don’t panic when you’re in a rut:
First, try to remember that even couples who are self confident, experimental and intensely physically attracted
to each other will sometimes get into sexual ruts. Sometimes life or work stresses thwart our sex drives, or health
problems limit our physical capabilities. At other times, it is a mystery why we do not feel very interested in sex for a while. It is important to avoid panicking or
becoming depressed if you are going through a brief dry spell.
Having some sexual problems does not mean that you no longer love each other or
that your marriage is over. In fact, it will be much easier to get back into having regular and fun sex if you
take a relaxed attitude to sex more generally. If you obsess over exactly what recent sexual issues mean for
the two of you as a couple, this grim intensity will carry over into your attempts to make love.
On a similar note, do not listen to what friends, magazines or popular culture tell you about how much sex you
‘should’ be having, or how many times a week a married couple ‘needs’ to have sex. Whether you have sex more or
less than average is no reflection on the quality of your relationship, provided both of you are happy.
2) Prevent sex from being a taboo topic of conversation:
Some married couples feel extremely nervous about the thought of actually discussing their sex life, preferring to do the deed in the dark and never discuss
it in the daylight. However, couples who actively discuss sex with one another are much more likely to have a full
and satisfying sexual relationship.
It is okay to give your partner suggestions on what to do when they touch or make love to you (provided you give
entirely constructive criticism), and it may actually please your spouse if you ask what things they would most
like you to do for them.
It is also important to be able to discuss whether your needs are being met. For example, each of you should
have an idea of how often the other one would ideally like to have sex, and on how much variation is required
to keep you turned on.
3) Remember that your partner’s body still holds many mysteries:
Married couples have known each other for a long time and have been sleeping together for years. This can make
it easy for you to imagine that there couldn’t possibly be anything left to learn about each other. However, this
assumption is false!
The body is covered with interesting erogenous zones that are unique to each individual, and few people even
know about every one of their own (let alone every one of their partner’s). Try to replace following a set sexual
routine with kissing, touching and licking your partner in new places or in new ways.
For example, you might press soft kisses down the length of their spine, or
gently stroke their scalp as you kiss them. These are moves that are commonly appreciated by most people, but
are often overlooked when sex becomes more ‘businesslike’ after many years of being together. Giving or
receiving a full-body massage is another great way to learn about surprisingly pleasurable or arousing spots
on the body.
4) Be open to trying new things:
Once a married couple is used to having sex in a certain way, they will often continue to repeat the same sexual
behaviors until it becomes an extremely boring and predictable experience for both parties.
However, this does not always prompt couples to start trying new things, as they can perceive their sexual
routine as ‘safe’ and are happier having boring sex than imagining how things could go wrong if they made
themselves vulnerable by airing secret desires or trying out new techniques.
If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath and write down some of the things that you
might want to try in bed.
You do not need to show this to your spouse, but it may teach you some things you did not know about yourself,
and will help to give you an idea of how to approach your spouse about some of the ideas you think they might find
Another good way to work out what new things to try is find a list of ideas online, print it out, and discuss
which ideas turn you on, which gross you out, and which you would at least be willing to try.
5) Dress attractively when going to bed:
Although you should be able to feel sexually attracted to your spouse no matter what they are wearing, the
reality is that seeing them in thick fleece pajamas each and every evening is not going to make you want to jump
As is the case elsewhere, if you stop putting in the effort to look good in bed then you run the risk of
dampening the sexual chemistry between the two of you. Try to dress comfortably but sexily. Consider going to bed
naked, or wearing only your underwear.
6) Remember that good sexual intimacy can lead to better intimacy more generally:
Married couples are typically busy. Many have children, wider families who need their attention, and difficult
or hectic careers. Unfortunately, busy lives leave little room for long periods of interpersonal communication
between partners, and as a result many married couples end up feeling disconnected from one another.
If you feel this way about how things are going with your spouse, the ideal solution is to set aside some time
in which you can be alone and focus on how much you appreciate each other. However, often it isn’t practical to
schedule such time any time soon, and all the time you have alone together is spend falling asleep next to each
other in bed. Given this situation, one of the ways that you can begin to improve your marriage is to use this time
before bed to try and have more sex.
When you feel somewhat disconnected from your spouse it is sometimes tempting to shy away from physical
intimacy, but many couples find that having more sex can actually help to kick-start the process of getting the
relationship back on track. As the relationship itself improves in response, the sex improves yet more.
7) Don’t let your children or your pets into the bedroom
You need to see your bedroom as an intimate place into which you can retreat to temporarily escape from from
your obligations and you daily routines. There is nothing that dampens sexual passion more than imagining that your
child or the family dog could wander in at any moment.
Of course, you should allow any children you have to knock on the door to get your attention if and when they
need you, but if you discourage them from actively entering your room without permission then this will allow you
to have private time together much more reliably and much more often.
8) Remember to be grateful for all the benefits of married sex:
Although you might sometimes find yourself yearning for the days when you felt all the excitement of sleeping
with someone new for the first time, there are a great many advantages to married sex that you probably never think
For a start, you are with someone you can trust, which means you can push sexual boundaries together and should
not have to worry about being mocked. You also know that not much hinges on whether some single instance of having
sex works out particularly well. When you are dating, a good or bad sexual
performance can be the difference between keeping or losing a partner.
Now, even if something goes wrong during sex, your partner will still love and care for you in the morning. When
you share your whole life with someone, one bad sex session means very little in the grand scheme of things.
Also, although both of you may have become complacent or repetitive in your approach to sex, when you put a lot
of effort into married sex then the results are usually extremely rewarding because of how well you know each
If you are part of a married couple and you have been having a dull or non-existent sex life, following the
above advice should help you slowly get back on track and learn to feel more attracted to each other again. Of
course, sometimes the problems that stop a couple from having satisfying sex go much deeper than the relatively
simple topics mentioned.
If following the above advice does not lead to beneficial changes in your physical intimacy with your spouse,
strongly consider going to a marriage counselor to discover and fix any more substantial underlying problems that
exist between you.
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